Archive for February, 2010
Thursday, February 25th, 2010
A Storm In Any Port
It’s the looniest ship I ever sailed
What’d I expect to find
Once I pulled anchor
Left firm shore behind…
Sailing the ocean is scary
Which is why ‘Offshore’ has been defined:
Out of:
(a) Sight of land
(b) Your mind
Especially with no compass, charts or sextant
One prop had a broken screw
And, to make matters worse, could one imagine
This ship had no crew
It did have many strange gizmos
Plus the damnedest contraptions
And who in maritime ever heard
Of a ship with two captains…
It’s easy to fantasize
Though hard to keep afloat
In spite of romantic visions
It’s not the ‘Love Boat’
Her ballast was not enough
To keep her right adrift
So when she took a starboard wave
She had a mean port list
In shallow straight she’s treacherous
Doesn’t handle with ease
You’d do better maneuvering
The Exxon Valdez
In a storm, I’d damn the torpedoes
Throttle full speed ahead
But the other captain demanded
Another course instead
I explained to this Captain Bligh
We’re headin’ for disaster
There’s never been a ship
That can serve two masters
But we both had equal experience
When it came to this sea
So we couldn’t agree
What makes you El Capitàn
Ahead of me…
However, the more we’d navigate
The more we’d cooperate
And appreciate
Aye, aye, mate
In certain storms, I found
The other captain usually knew
The best way to get around
By the same token
I’m the one best at fixing
Anything that’s broken
I’m also program director
For games, contests and more
I always win, never lose,
…’cause I also keep the score
The other captain is gifted in the galley
Which any fool could see
When I make raviolis
It’s gourmet Chef Boyardee
It took some time to figure
What each of us knows
Although we’re still working it out
And stepping on each others toes
We both find it difficult
A source of constant frustration
To come to a conclusion
What exactly is our destination…
To me it sounded terrific
Why not sail the South Pacific…
But the other captain insists on knowing
Which islands in specific…
We do agree however,
No difference near or far
S’long as we lay on deck at night
And count each falling star
There’re still plenty of storms to maneuver
No weather’s always fair
And this ship keeps me busy
In constant need of repair
Aye, it’s hard work, but worth it
So when my tour of duty was done
I had to admit rough times
Were far outweighed by fun
I know I’m probably out of my mind
But I re-enlisted for a permanent trip
On this rickety old boat
Someone aptly named
The HMS ‘Relation’ ship
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Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
Finally, the myths of health care are exposed.
The Definitive Truth of Health Care
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ’Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a
Ride’
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
Today is Mardi Gras, a party not always celebrated in literature. Both Tennessee Williams and William Faulkner, each of them once resident in New Orleans, hated what they saw as organized and desperate gaiety. But a twenty-three-year-old Samuel Clemens loved every minute, mask and madame of it, declaring that “an American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans.” Clemens made the St. Louis-New Orleans trip a handful of times while an apprentice pilot; the comment above comes from his March 9, 1859 letter to his sister, written the day after docking in New Orleans and literally bumping into the fun:
I posted off up town yesterday morning as soon as the boat landed, in blissful ignorance of the great day. At the corner of Good-Children and Tchoupitoulas streets, I beheld an apparition! — and my first impulse was to dodge behind a lamp-post. It was a woman—a hay-stack of curtain calico, ten feet high—sweeping majestically down the middle of the street…. Next I saw a girl of eighteen, mounted on a fine horse, and dressed as a Spanish Cavalier, with long rapier, flowing curls, blue-satin doublet and half-breeches…. And then I saw a hundred men, women and children in fine, fancy, splendid, ugly, coarse, ridiculous, grotesque, laughable costumes, and the truth flashed upon me—“This is Mardi-Gras!”
“Mardi-Gras,” an illustration from the first edition of Life on the Mississippi
Clemens spends the day wide-eyed, rapt by “…giants, Indians, nigger minstrels, monks, priests, clowns … the ‘free-and-easy’ women [with] costumes and actions very trying to modest eyes.” And then came the night, with the Mystic Krewe of Comus in torchlight procession:
…Then followed tall, grotesque maskers representing some ancient game … then the Queen of the Fairies, with a winged troop of beauties … then the King & Queen of the Genii, I suppose (eight or ten feet high) …followed by a couple of infinitesimal dwarfs … then figures whose bodies were vast drums, trumpets, clarinets, fiddles … followed by others whose bodies were pitchers, punch-bowls, goblets … then gigantic chickens, turkeys, bears, & other beasts and birds—then a big Christmas tree, followed by Santa Claus, with fur cap, short pipe, &c., and surrounded by a great basket filled with toys—and then—well I don’t remember half….
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Tuesday, February 16th, 2010
The Twain Shall Meet is now in Book Buzz’r format, an eBook that looks like a real book. Too cool. Check it out.
The Twain Shall Meet: Book Buzz’r Format
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Monday, February 8th, 2010
Being a left-brain rather than a right-brain process, according to Author/Philosopher/Physician Leonard Shlain, literary progress may not be beneficial, as the following timeline demonstrates. (Read closely ladies, it’s an eye opener)
3,000,000 – 2,900,000 years ago
- Hominids differentiate away from other primates by becoming meat-eaters instead of vegetarians.
- Extended childhood’s of hominid babies require prolonged attention from hominid mothers.
- Males of the species predominately engage in hunting and killing.
- Females primarily engage in nurturing and gathering.
- Hominids become the first species of social predators in which the females do not participate in hunting and killing.
200,000 – 90,000 years ago
- Language develops.
- Homo Sapiens differentiate away from hominids.
- Language requires complete rewiring of human brains.
- Over 90% of language modules placed in the left hemisphere of right handed humans who comprise 92% of the population.
- Split Brain phenomenon becomes highly exaggerated only in humans.
- Most hunting and killing strategies placed in left hemisphere.
- Most nurturing and gathering strategies placed in the right side.
40,000 – 10,000 years ago
- Homosapiens organize into highly effective hunter/gatherer societies.
- Division of labor between sexes diverges more than in any other species.
- Males hunt and females nurture.
- Each sex develops predominate modes of perception and survival strategies to deal with the exigencies of life.
- Left hemispheric specialization leads to an increased appreciation of time.
- Humans become first animals to realize they will personally die.
- Awareness of death leads to formation of supernatural beliefs.
- Societies in which hunting is a more reliable source of protein than gathering elevate hunting gods over vegetative goddesses.
- Societies in which gathering is a more reliable source of protein than hunting elevate vegetative goddesses over hunting gods.
- In general, hunter/gatherer tribes worship a mixture of both spirits.
10,000 – 5,000 years ago
- Agriculture discovered/ Domestication of animals discovered.
- Crops need to be tended / flocks need to be nurtured.
- Female survival strategy of gathering and nurturing supersedes male hunting killing one.
- All early agrarian peoples begin to pray to an Earth Goddess responsible for the bountifulness of the land and fertility of the herds.
- She awakens the land in springtime and metaphorically resurrects Her weaker, smaller dead son/lover.
5,000 – 3,000 years ago
- Writing invented.
- Left hemispheric modes of perception, the hunting/killing side, reinforced.
- Literacy depends on linear, sequential, abstract and reductionist ways of thinking – the same as hunting and killing.
- Early forms of cuneiform and hieroglyphics difficult to master.
- Less than 2% literate.
- Scribes become priests and new religions emerge in which the god begins to supersede the goddess.
45,000 – 3,000 years ago
- Alphabet invented.
- Extremely easy to use.
- Near universal literacy possible.
- Semites – Canaanites, Phoenicians, and Israelites – become first peoples to become substantially literate.
- First alphabetic book is the Hebrew bible.
- Goddess harshly rejected from Israelite belief system.
- God loses His image.
- To know Him, a worshipper must read what He wrote.
- Images of any kind proscribed in first culture to worship written words.
3,000 – 2,500 years ago
- Greeks become the second literate culture.
- While not rejecting images, they suppress women’s rights.
- Athens and Sparta were two societies that shared the same language, gods, and culture and were in close proximity.
- Women had few rights in Athens: Women wielded considerable power in Sparta.
- Athenians glorified the written word: Spartan cared little about literacy.
- Socrates disdained writing and wrote nothing down. He held egalitarian views.
- Plato wrote extensively of what Socrates said. Not as generous toward women as Socrates.
- Aristotle represents Greek passage from an oral society to a literate one. He taught that women were an inferior subspecies of man.
2,500 years ago
- Buddha becomes enlightened in India.
- Buddha, though literate, writes nothing down.
- Teaches love, equality, kindness, and compassion.
- His words are canonized in an alphabetic book 500 years later.
- Book purports to show the Buddha had negative opinions about women, sexuality, and birth.
- Taoism and Confucianism arise in China.
- Taoism embodies feminine values: no attempt to control others, promotes Mother Nature as a guide.
- Confucianism touts masculine values: structures patriarchal society, touts Father Culture.
- Two systems of belief coexist in relative equilibrium until the Chinese invent the printing press in 923 AD Literacy rates soar.
- Soon after, Taoism declines and Confucianism becomes China’s dominant belief system.
- Women’s foot binding begins in 970 AD and becomes a common practice.
- Taoism transmutes into a hierarchy with sacred texts and temple priests.
- Taoist priests expected to be celibate Women’s rights plummet.
- In nearby Asian cultures that do not embrace literacy, women’s rights remain high.
2,000 – 1,500 years ago
- Roman Empire achieves near universal alphabetic literacy rates due to the stability of Pax Romana, tutors from Greece, papyrus from Egypt and an easy to use Greek and Latin alphabet.
- New religion emerges based on the sayings of a gentle prophet named Jesus.
- His oral teachings embody feminine values of Free Will, love, compassion, non-violence, and equality.
- Jesus writes nothing down.
- Women play prominent role in new religion.
- Paul commits to writing what he interprets to be the meaning of the Christ event.
- Subsequent Gospel writers detail Christ’s crucifixion, death and resurrection.
- Creed that evolves increasingly emphasizes masculine values of obedience, suffering, pain, death, and hierarchy.
- Alphabetic text becomes canonized in 367 AD Women banned from baptizing or conducting sacraments.
- Ordered to back of the church and ejected from the choir.
- Christians destroy Roman images.
1,500 – 1,000 years ago
- Rome falls to barbarian invasions.
- Literacy lost in secular society.
- Dark Ages begin.
- When stage of history re-illuminated in the 10th century, women enjoy high status.
- Age suffused with love of Mary.
- People know her through her image not her written words.
- Women mystics revered.
- Women Cathars and Waldensians baptize.
- Abbesses lead major monasteries.
- Chivalric code instructs men to honor and protect women.
- Courtly love becomes all the fashion.
- Cathedrals dedicated to Notre Dame.
- Religious art flourishes.
- Few outside the Church can read and write.
1000 – 1453
- High Middle Ages characterized by a renewed interest in literacy.
- Commerce demands literate clerks. Literacy rates climb.
- Masculine values begin to reassert dominance over feminine ones.
- Renaissance begins. Cult of the individual encourages male artists, male thinkers, and macho themes in art.
1454 -1820
- Gutenberg’s printing press makes available alphabet literacy to the masses.
- Books become affordable.
- Literacy rates soar in those countries affected by the printing press.
- Tremendous surge in science, art, philosophy, logic, and imperialism.
- Women’s rights suffer decline.
- Women mystics now called witches.
1517 – 1820
- Protestant Reformation breaks out fueled by many who can now read scripture.
- Protestants demand the repudiation of the veneration of Mary, the destruction of images.
- Protestant movement becomes very patriarchal.
- Ferocious religious wars break out fought over minor doctrinal disputes.
- Torture and burning at the stake become commonplace.
- Hunter/killer values in steep ascendance only in those countries impacted by rapidly rising alphabetic literacy rates.
1465 – 1820
- After the Bible, the next best selling book is the Witch’s Hammer; a how-to book for the rooting out, torture, and burning of witches.
- Witch craze breaks out only in those countries impacted by the printing press.
- Germany, Switzerland, France, and England have severe witch-hunts. All boast steadily rising literacy rates.
- Russia, Norway, Iceland, and the Islamic countries bordering Europe do not experience witch-hunts. The printing press has a negligible impact on these societies.
- Estimates range that between 100,000 women to the millions were murdered during the witch-hunts.
- There is no parallel in any other culture in the world in which the men of the culture suffered a psychosis so extreme that they believed that their wise women were so dangerous that they had to be eliminated.
1820 – 1900
- Invention of photography and the discovery of the electromagnetic field combine to bring about the return of the image.
- Photography does for images what the printing press had accomplished for written words: it made reproduction of images inexpensive, easy, and ubiquitous.
- Right hemisphere called upon to decipher images more than the left.
- Egalitarianism becomes a motif in philosophy.
- Protestantism softens its stance toward women.
- Mary declared born of Immaculate Conception by the Church elevating her status.
- Nietzsche declares “god is dead.”
- Suffragette movement coalesces in 1848.
1900 – 1950
- Photography and electromagnetism combine to introduce many new technologies of information transfer.
- Telegraph, radio, film, and telephone reconfigure the world.
- Communists demand redistribution of wealth.
- Capitalists demand less government interference.
- Natives restless, servants surly; everywhere paternalism is in retreat.
- Women receive the vote in 1920 in the U.S. and 1936 in England.
- Russia, an oral society recently becomes literate in the 19th century.
- Great burst of male creativity.
- Outbreak of religious intolerance against the Jews.
- Russian Communism repeats all the madness of Europe’s first brush with alphabet literacy.
- Hitler, armed with a microphone and radio, hypnotizes Germany, one of the most literate countries of the world.
- Mother Russia, an oral society, is bedeviled by literacy.
- Germany, the Fatherland, becomes susceptible to madness by oral technology.
1950 – 2000
- Popularity of television explodes after the end of WWII.
- Television requires different mode of perception than reading.
- Iconic information begins to supersede text information.
- Image of the atomic bomb blast and earth beamed back from space change the consciousness of the world more than any written books.
- Society begins to elevate feminine values of childcare, welfare, healthcare, and concern for the environment.
- Feminist movement of the 60s occurs in the first television generation.
- World wars abate among the literate countries affected by television image.
- Invention of personal computer greatly changes the way people interact. Graphic icons increasingly replace text commands.
- Internet and WorldWideWeb based on feminine images of nets and webs. Iconic Revolution begins.
- Everywhere alphabets come into usage religions based on sacred alphabetic books come into being.
- These all share certain characteristics.
- Women banned from conducting religious ceremonies.
- Goddesses declared abominations.
- Representative art in the form of images declared “idolatry.”
Posted in Blog | 11 Comments »
Thursday, February 4th, 2010
On the various writers’ forums where we struggling unsung congregate, occasionally you happen upon a story that touches you in a special way. This is just such a story by Rain Ray. So, I’d like to share it here with my friends.
The Unforgettable Stranger
Have you ever passed a woman on the street that was so stunningly beautiful you wanted to politely stop her and tell her–no hidden agenda, no subtle hustle, just letting her know her beauty was noticed?
She was like seeing a breathtaking painting in an art gallery: I didn’t need to own or possess her beauty. I was just taken by her. I found it difficult not to stare. She chose a seat on the bus where no one could sit between us. I smiled and said hi, and in the friendliest tone she returned the hello. I married a beautiful woman, so I seldom found myself intimidated around nice looking women, but this strange, attractive, young woman actually caused me to be a little nervous. After our brief exchange, I thought that would be the end of the stranger-says-hello-to-stranger encounter, and began reading the newspaper I had just bought.
“Do you read a lot?” she asked with a smile.
“Only if it’s news about the end of the world,” I said with a grin. She laughed. Even her laughter was magnetic; with its lightness and sincerity.
She paused, and then said, “Did you know there are bacteria on the lime they squeeze into your drink? I love living life on the edge.” She intentionally made the remark in an overly serious tone that really struck me funny.
It was as if we were old friends. I couldn’t believe the ease with which we were talking. We both laughed at the same things. I was surprised at how relaxed we had both become in such a short amount of time. I was happily married, but I loved the way my heart felt, talking with this amazingly beautiful young woman.
Finally, I asked her, “Are you a model?” After I asked the question, I wanted to take it back.
She looked at me with her entrancing eyes, then in an obvious and playful way she replied with a sly grin, “That’s so ironic, I was about to ask you the same thing.” It was perfect timing, and we caught ourselves laughing, again.
Then she said something that truly surprised me. “Would you think me too forward if I asked you to share a cup of coffee with me? I know this nice outside cafe a few blocks from here, and I have a little time before I leave for the airport. I thought you were so friendly, and we hit it off…I wondered…if..”
Without thinking of anything else, I blurted out “I’d love to.”
I wasn’t trying to pick her up, but she was fascinating, and I wanted to know more about her. I wanted to hear her laugh more, talk more, feel this odd feeling just a little longer. We sat outside on this beautiful morning, and talked almost non-stop. There were no awkward moments. I didn’t feel uncomfortable, or pressured in any way . We were two total strangers who, for whatever reason, hit it off, and seized the moment. It was unforgettable, and I think she felt the same way. The time flew by. We had talked about a little of everything, then she looked at her watch.
“It’s time. I can’t believe we had so much fun, and were so relaxed doing it. And, you didn’t try once to hit on me,” she laughed out loud as she slid her chair back.
“And finally, I didn’t have to fend a woman off for a simple conversation,” I said, smiling.
There life had put us; for a second, I felt a twinge of sadness. I realized how rare such encounters were. I looked at her once more; we stood, she picked up her purse and prepared to leave. My God, she was striking, I thought to myself.
“Well, I guess I won’t ever see you again, but I just want to tell you what a pleasure it’s been meeting you. You take care, and never, ever change that magnetic personality,” I said as she moved toward me.
Without warning, she laid her purse back on the table, wrapped her arms around me and gave me the sweetest, most heartfelt hug. She then tenderly kissed my cheek. I was caught off guard. She picked up her purse…looked me in the eyes…leaned close to my ear, and whispered.
“Good-bye, Dad, you were everything I’ve dreamed you would be.”
She then hurried to a waiting cab; I stood motionless as my mind raced through summers past…
Excellent Rain.
http://www.myspace.com/rayneighbor
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