Sunday, May 30th, 2010
Square Deal Dan, The Workin’ Man’s Friend. That’s what his friends called him. I really miss the ol’ dude, but Memorial Day being his birthday, I’m reminded of him every year around Indy 500 time. A lot of guys, I’m sure, can relate to a ’square deal’ in their lives. Here’s my eulogy for him.
He bought me my first glove
Though my hand was ten sizes too small
Then took me in the yard
And pitched me my first baseball.
It was a mighty slider, a hundred miles an hour
…it hit me in the face
But in his typical encouragement he said
“Son, you’ll never make first base”
He tried to teach me boxing
But his hands were just too fast
“If you live to be a hundred,” he warned
“You’ll never kick my ass”
With my busted nose and swollen lip
Wasn’t much I could say
Never did learn to box
Still can’t to this day.
He loved to sprint, so we’d get down
Never could beat him out of the hole
Probably ’cause with no starting gun
Only he was allowed to say, ‘GO!’
Couldn’t beat him at horseshoes either
Just couldn’t make a ringer.
And I was ten years old before I learned
Not to pull his finger
At body and fender he was a craftsman
The last of a dying breed
Being his apprentice, I got to sand all the cars
‘Til my hands would bleed
One day he said I was old enough to smoke
But don’t tell your brother.
How open-minded, I thought, then lit up
And he went and told my mother
And if I got in trouble
I could count on him to understand
“Too damn bad,” he’d say
“Now take it like a man”
Never did take to sports or cars
My hand never fit wrench or glove
But in my heart I always knew
That’s how he expressed his love
Here’s to you Dad
I’ll never forget
Right to my livin’ end
To me you’ll always be
Square Deal Dan
…The workingman’s friend
Years by, he never failed to remind me, “I wrote the goddamn book you live by.” I agreed, never doubted, but I never failed to remind him, “Yeah dad, but I’m the one that got it published.”
Cheers
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Saturday, May 22nd, 2010
I agree, the world’s absolutely correct when they complain about the only remaining super power. Citizens of the world unite! Surely, there’s another nation to lead this planet. Although, historically we’d be hard pressed to find a more benevolent society to take us into the future (Here I’m referring to the American people, not their fiat government or their out of control multi-nationals). Therefor, I’ve prepared a list of likely candidates for your perusal.
Time For A Change
Germany?
It’ll be a while before all in favor say ‘heil!’
France?
From Waterloo to Dien Bien Phu, whine is about all they can do
Italy?
They’ve already shown what they can do, from Caesar to Pope no thank you
Switzerland?
I can’t yodel so I’ll never be Swiss, and I can’t eat chocolate for breakfast.
Holland?
I like their tulips and their windmills are all right. But I gotta pull my finger out of that dyke. Wooden shoes give me blisters, Dutch cuisine’s no delight, and my bum gets sore all day on a bike.
Sweden?
Let’s hear it for Scandinavians, outdoors, skiing and hiking. The same lovely people with the heart of a Viking. Though once fearless sailors, I’ll have to pass. Beat Columbus by 500 years, but the natives kicked their ass
Russia?
Stalin-grad is not someone with a degree, at least not in history. They were doing ok before that Marx/Lenin yoke, but it just didn’t work, so they went broke
India?
Right! A jolly good sort. For openers they’d make ‘begging’ an Olympic sport
Israel?
Yeah right! Then the whole world could be miserable
Greece?
Alexander was great, but no more, they’re still drinking Retsina wine made from gymnasium floor
Poland?
You’ve got to be joking.
Romania?
Ahhh, in my crystal ball I see, Balalaika music, crying violins, …and your daughters all betrothed to a gypsy.
Nepal?
Good choice, ‘cept the royal family’s dead ‘cause the King’s kid shot ‘em all in the head
Egypt?
How Pharaoh away from reality can you get?
All African nations put ‘em in one lump, an entire continent in a permanent slump.
Tibet?
See Egypt
Iran?
Okay if not for their ayatollah too-many
Afghanistan?
See Iran
Pakistan?
See Afghanistan
As for the rest of Islam surely no one would fuss if they stamped on your money ‘In Allah We Trust’. Pray five times a day, cut off your right hand, stone a woman for adultery, but not the man.
China?
That act wouldn’t go three seconds on the Falun Gong show.
Japan?
Domo arigato Mr Roboto
Korea?
North you got Kim Sung’s son Jung who I can’t give a go, but in the south you gotta love a country with a capitol named Soul. Yet, the entire peninsula north and south would, have us all eating kimchee and burning our mouth
Spain?
They had to hire an Italian to show ‘em the way. If South America is an example, hey Spain, have a nice day
Puerto Rico?
Sure, the whole world could shoot craps, while they ran around stealing hubcaps
Brazil?
How could you go wrong? And it’ll give ‘em something to do when the Amazon is gone. Though you may think that you shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree, Brazilians agree, so long as it’s no taller than your knee.
Argentina?
Madres de los Desaparecidos (Mothers of the disappeared ones) still hold vigil every day. So as for Argentina, no Falkland way
Chile?
Not yet. The name gave me shivers even before Pinochet
Peru?
I have an Inca-ling their through
Cuba?
They’re not doing so well. Maybe when they get rid of Fidel
Mexico?
Okay, ‘cept the first thing they’d do is all move to L.A.
There once was a Cherokee Nation that knew where it was at. Paid no taxes, women did all the work, how in the hell could you improve on that? But the Pilgrims thought them unchristian, uncivilized and had bad aroma, so the ones they didn’t kill, had to walk to Oklahoma.
Indonesia?
Ask the East Timorese, that’ll cure your amnesia.
Australia?
Didn’t someone once warn us to ‘Let Australia sleep’? Besides the only reason an Aussie would awake is to ‘ave another piss, mate
England?
Now we’re talkin’ class. They still think sun never sets on their ass
Canada?
There’s a good bet, but they can’t even handle Quebec.
There are a hundred others I could disqualify with a rhyme, but lets cut to the quick and save us some time.
You’re sick and tired of damn yanks, and you think someone could better lead the ranks?
As far as I’m concerned
I got a good feelin’
If anyone can do a better job
…It’s gotta be
…New Zealand
[Now that I’ve ticked off every other nation
I just discovered Kiwi’s have strict immigration
And since all have now denied my visa application
I must live out my days in traveler’s frustration
Me and my big mouth oration]
Posted in Blog | 11 Comments »
