The Definitive Truth of Health Care
February 17th, 2010 - By j guevara
Finally, the myths of health care are exposed.
The Definitive Truth of Health Care
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!! ….. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ’Round’ is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
‘Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘WOO HOO, What a
Ride’
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 at 7:01 pm and is filed under Blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Responses
Paul Phillips
February 17th
I have thought, for quite a while now, that we of the English speaking nations are just screwed…this proves it!
Thanks for posting!
Jason Henry McCormick
February 18th
This is an interesting Q & A article. Many of the questions have answers to many of the questions without answers which I have recently been asking myself. A few adjectives about this Q & A article:
Brilliant.
Marvelous.
Remarkable.
Hilarious.
Rain (Ray)
February 18th
I have a Terminal cancer. As far as I know, I have one shot on this Stage. No-one is going to say “Hey Ray, I’ll die for you” so please don’t tell me what to eat,what to drink, not to smoke..let me dance. At the end, I want to be able to say “Didn’t I Shake Sugaree”
Jim Fixx started the jogging craze, wrote books..became rich..and died at 40 while jogging..
Ed
February 18th
ABSO-FUCKIN-LOUTLY hilarious KAWF.
YOU ARE THE MASTER OF IRONY.
I’m giving this to my doctor!
So in order to live longer, I have to learn Chinese???????????
Nah, maybe Italian would be better. It goes well with red wine.
j guevara
February 18th
Health nuts are gonna feel awfully silly someday laying in a hospital bed dieing of nothing.
Patti Creek (PJ)
February 21st
Very cute! Just remember the Bible says not to “defile” the temple, so that means eating and drinking anything to an excess is not good. God must have a reason for wanting us to take care of our bodies as long as possible.
God Bless~
PJ
Lisa Mulhall
March 7th
First of all I’d like to say, well written post! I’ve got a small question bothering me, I really love the layout of your blog and tried to download the same design on my Worpdress blog. Yet, there is some kind of weird coding error in the footer. Do you have any tips, what settings are you using? Please PM me on Twitter @HealthyLivin or via e-mail.
Truth about Abs
March 8th
Thanks, that was helpful for people like me who are about to take the plunge into getting fit and healthy!
Alejandro Schleisman
March 8th
This is a really nice blog you got here. The theme is great! Color combination is awesome.
Cyd Madsen
March 8th
I have to disagree. One should go sliding into the grave with a hunk of chocolate in one hand and a bottle of JW Blue in the other, not chardonnay.
But seriously, I spent three years watch someone slowly die from nothing. She was strong as an ox, didn’t smoke or drink, and ate lots of veggies. It wasn’t a pretty thing to watch. She died at the same age as her brother, sister, and mother, all of whom had horrible health habits and died swift deaths from the consequences. When your time is up, it’s up, and not a minute sooner. Might as well have a good time.
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